my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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