When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
