I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
