life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was born a porn star she said
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
People in love make me want to vomit
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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