just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
