You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
