Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
