Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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