I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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