Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
