I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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