this beer tastes like vomit already
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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