i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
