How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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