Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can I color on your dick again?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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