she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
