Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
