I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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