You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
