hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
