Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
