Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
