No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
