just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
