I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
