In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
