I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
as a side note pls kill me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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