He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
