thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
