I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
