her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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