I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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