So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
