Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
