Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
MIDGETS
????
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
