tonight lets celebrate not being married
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
