From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.