life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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