things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.