I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
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It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.