omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
