Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
