you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
