This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
