If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize