***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
