How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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