grandma shit on top of the toilet
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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