i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
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went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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