Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
