just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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