1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize