So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
