kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
