i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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