The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
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Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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