I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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