The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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