Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
