i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
