whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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