turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
