grandma shit on top of the toilet
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
